Tourniquet
by Sanne-san
Summary: I know it's been songficed to death but bear with me. From Gil's POV


Disclaimer: The song is by Evanescence, and Mineko Ohkami owns Dragon Knights.

Warnings:  suicide attempts (which should be obvious considering the song), mentions of rape and death (nothing graphic), possible OOC (it's hard to tell with such minor charas), lots of angst, but the ending is kinda sweet (how did that happen?)

AN: I know this song has been songficed to death, but it wouldn't go away!  I blame buying DK #9 and the Evanescence CD at the same time! O.o  Poor Gil!

Tourniquet

                I thrashed in my bed, gripped in the claws of the worst kind of nightmare: the kind that makes you relive your worst memories.  Sometimes, like now, memories that you hide from yourself when you're awake because they're too painful.  With the memories supplying the details (countless hands on me touching, scratching, tearing, stroking everywhere; blood, sweat, saliva and tears mingling on my skin as widespread as the pain through out my body), the nightmare was just as real, if not more so than the event had been.  

_I tried to kill the pain_

_But only brought more (so much more)_

                Right after they acquired me, Shydeman and Shyrendora had kept me chained up like the animal Shyrendora's spell made me act like.  Lucky for me they hadn't thought that even an animal would rather die than live the way I was treated.  After that first night... I tried to hang myself with my chains.  I failed to break my neck, unfortunately, and someone discovered me before I could suffocate and saved me.  They didn't chain me up again after that, instead they took to abusing me to the point where I could barely crawl.  __

_I lay dying_

_And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal_

                Every night they would leave me laying in the middle of the floor, my body broken and bleeding from innumerable wounds, unable to drag myself to the crude pallet and blanket that was my 'bed.'  Eyes shut tight in response to the pain that lanced through my body at the slightest movement.  Indeed the tortured breathing I forced myself to manage pained me to no end, though I suffered in silence, my throat too sore from screaming for me to utter a sound.__

_I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming_

_Am I too lost to be saved_

_Am I too lost?_

                Inside I hurt just as much, as if my soul had been shredded along with my body.  But only shredded, never broken or killed, which would have been a blessing.  Had it been broken or killed, then I might not have cared what they did to me.  Every time, I would wish, hope and pray they would break me... but no matter how much I bit, scratched or struggled they wouldn't do what I wished.  I continued to suffer all the more, until he saved me...__

_My God my tourniquet_

_Return to me salvation_

_My God my tourniquet_

_Return to me salvation_

                I awoke sharply, clutching my head, suppressed memories rushing through my mind and before my eye.  I  may have yelled, or I may not have.  I don't know.  It doesn't matter anyway, there's no one to come running to comfort me if I had.  I had already killed the only person who cared.  How many times had I awoken from nightmares in the dead of the night to have him soothe me back to sleep?  How many times had he held me and reassured me that they would never touch me again?   "Oh Laam..." Barely a whisper, the words are half choked by the lump that has risen in my throat, my eye squeezed shut in a futile attempt to stop the tears that had started to form.  

_Do you remember me_

_Lost for so long_

                Bittersweet memories flood my head as the tears begin to run down my face, reminding me of all I once had; all I had killed...  Now, I can see him smiling at me, even though I had nearly bitten his finger off a moment before, nothing but kindness in his eyes...  Now, he stands in front of me as I cower, keeping Fedelta's demons from taking me again...   Now, I'm sleeping peacefully for the first time in ages, my head in his lap as Laam watches over me...  Now, I'm staring at my bloody hands, kneeling before his lifeless body...  Every memory clear as if it had happened yesterday, not years ago.__

_Will you be on the other side_

_Or will you forget me_

                Where was he now, I wondered.  Was he waiting patiently for me to join him?  Waiting to welcome me with open arms and that never ending kindness...  I brush angrily at my tears, who am I fooling?  Why would he wait for me, the one who killed him?  Besides, surely he's already gone to Heaven while I'm going straight to Hell.  I laugh bitterly.  Going to Hell? I've already been there! Not even the depths of Hell can hold much worse than I've already been through; being the murdering freak I am, I'd probably fit in!  Live or die, I'll probably never see him again.__

_I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming_

_Am I too lost to be saved_

_Am I too lost?_

                Who would care if I died right now, anyway?  Who would miss me?  Shydeman might; I sneered at the thought, clutching my sheets.  It would probably piss him off more than anything, after all, they paid quite a lot to get me.  That alone may be worth the risk of an eternity in Hell.  Or the faint chance that the Gods would judge I'd suffered enough...  I shook my head as if to dispel the thought.  I've more than justified my past suffering with the people I've killed.  If anything, I deserved more punishment.  It'd be impossible for me to redeem myself, so why not limit my suffering (and get a little revenge on Shydeman) by ending it now?  In this darkest hour before dawn, with naught but cold starlight, when all the world seems dead, there's nothing to dissuade me.  I reach for one of my axes.__

_My God my tourniquet_

_Return to me salvation_

_My God my tourniquet_

_Return to me salvation_

                My eye closes briefly in pain as the blade bites into my flesh, then is open again just as quickly to watch the blood begin to flow.  Somehow the blood from this self-inflicted wound is inherently more interesting than the blood that flows from wounds made by others.  Or maybe the circumstances made all the difference; ending my suffering rather than adding to it.  Regardless, the river of red entranced me, flowing down my arm, pooling a bit in the palm of my hand, then continuing on to stain the white sheets.  Finally, I could be free...

_My wounds cry for the grave_

_My soul cries for deliverance_

                "Gil? Are you alright?" Barl.  I'd forgotten about him.  My dear little brother, now all grown up and years older than I appeared to be.  I said nothing, but cursed him silently.  When he saw me, he would try to save me and I haven't bled enough yet to be beyond help.  He spoke again, opening my door, "I thought I heard-- Gil!!"  His eyes go wide as he turns on the light and he rushes over to my side.  He immediately begins to put  pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding while asking why with his eyes if not his voice.  I'm asking myself that too.  Why hadn't I slit my throat instead, or stabbed myself in the heart? I would be dead by now if I had.          __

_Will I be denied Christ_

_Tourniquet_

_My suicide_

                I glare at him balefully, but say nothing and don't bother to hinder his doctoring me.  Though I don't want to live, I also lack the will to stop him from saving me.  Pathetic aren't I?  Desperate enough to take my own life, but unresisting when another wished me to live.  I sit quietly while Barl finishes wrapping my arm.

                "You won't tell me what brought this on, will you," he states rather than questions.  I don't answer and he doesn't seem to expect one, though he shakes his head.  He gets me to move off the bed and I sulk in the corner cradling my arm as he strips the bloody sheets from my bed and replaces them with fresh ones.  Oh, that I could do that with my past...

                I stand when he finishes, but am surprised when he comes over and embraces me.  "B- Barl?" He gives me one last squeeze before holding me at arm's length and looking me in the eye. 

                "What ever happened to you doesn't change the fact that you're my brother.  I don't want to see you die."  He turns to go, leaving me stunned and standing next to my bed.  He pauses at the door and turns back to say, "Sleep better," before turning off the light and closing my door.  I stand there for a minute more before crawling into my bed, his words still swirling in my mind.  Moments after I close my eye, I'm asleep.  This time, thankfully, I do not dream...

AN: Well?  You like? You no like? 

Stephen: O.o Where the hell did that come from?

You think I know?   Anyway, this's my first songfic and I think I did okay.  Inspiration took care of about half of it, but the rest had to be tortured out. X-X'  review if you liked, or if you want to tell me to never do another songfic, whatever.


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